Rejection

It's never fun to go through but, we all go through it, it's bound to happen at some point.

I don't really want a relationship, but the thought of having a companion is something I've been aiming for, my definition for companionship is different then a relationship. It's more of a developed friendship if anything.

I tend to develop feelings with certain people and everytime I try to develop the friendship into something more, I'm always shot down. It has become harder becuase I'm not given a straight no, but just an excuse.

An excuse being, "Oh I'm not looking for a relationship," [Only to find out later that day they posted on Facebook, "No one ever wants to date me"].

Or, "Don't get me wrong, you are hot, I just don't have the time for a relationship," [OkCupid determined that you were lying].

I get that, you don't want to hurt my feelings. But you need to so I can move on, otherwise I just get bitter and more depressed.

Recently I developed feelings for this guy [Whom I think is perfect in everyway] and I was slowly trying to get close with this individual. We connect in many ways and I had hope again, I felt like I wasn't alone.

Reason #1 hung out with me and my crush (let's call my crush, Hector), heck #1 even pushed us to dance together. It was fun. We both were acting goofy and I enjoyed ever second. After, we went to the movies and that's when I started to notice #1 getting a little close to Hector. I ignored it and once the movie ended I drove home.

I've been fighting the nerve but I wanted to ask Hector if he wanted to go to the zoo. One of many perfect ways to get to know him.

As I was ready to sleep, #1 messaged me,
"Can I tell you a secret?"
"Secret is safe with me" I had this feeling of dread. I figured what happened and I was scared to believe it.
"I made out with Hector"

My heart literally dropped. It wasn't a backstabbing, but it felt like one. #1 is not at fault, I'm positive they didn't know of my feelings towards Hector and because of that I was reminded of how I am truly alone. I'm scared.

It's hard for me, I can't keep doing that. Rejection after rejection and I'm left with nothing but a big fat middle finger.

Everytime I try to start something it always fucks up. Am I just destined to be alone forever? Maybe.

Only thing I can do is hold on to the remaining light that's within me, I just hope that light doesn't fade.